Colonoscopies are Serious Business…but

We all need some serious humor!

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through    Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
 I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of  America ‘s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
 
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything..  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..  

At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode..  You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

‘Ha ha,’ I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent..  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
 
 
On the subject of Colonoscopies…
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous…. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1.. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!’

2.. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’

3.. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’

4.. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’

5.. ‘You know, in  Arkansas  , we’re now legally married.’

6.. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’

7.. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’

8.. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’

9.. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’

10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’

11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’

12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay..’

         And the best one of all:
13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’

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Tes at Home

Yesterday was about sharing a favorite blog and an accompanying forum.

Today, here is another of my favorites.  To be honest, there is not enough time to explore all of the fabulous blogs.  There are the food blogs, homesteading blogs, how-to blogs, jut to name a few.

Some time ago, Tes at Home caught my eye.  It has been another regular and favorite blog that I visit.

Tes is very creative, and quite the cook ~ though I’m not sure “cook” is the right terminology.  She shares excellent recipes which leave one to wonder if she is a chef. 

Tes at Home shares her travels, her culture and her family.

Here is a picture of one of her latest recipes, one that was created from “what she had” just before shopping day.

Rice Vermicelli with Prawn by Tes at Home

This recipe makes my mouth water!  Oh how I wish I had the opportunity to share a week in the life of Tes.

Click on this link for access to this recipe

Tes, thank you for sharing your life and recipes!

If you drop by to visit her today, be sure to wish her a Happy Birthday!

The Journey Homesteading

In the past, I have introduced you to Country Living in a Cariboo Valley.  It remains one of my favorite blogs.

It’s such a nice site with so much information…especially if you have a garden, raise chickens, love to cook, or just about anything else for that matter.

What I really want to share today is The Journey Homesteading Forum

Country Living in a Cariboo Valley has created this just for me.  Well, not really, but I sure love it. 

There are all kinds of useful information.  Some of the subjects are

  • Homeschooling
  • Gardening
  • Country Income
  • Self-Sufficiency

This is just a tease. 

The folks here are really nice!  If you have questions, they are more than happy to answer anything they can.  Of course, if you have experience, they welcome your input.

I’m not going to give away all of her secrets…

you will just have to treat yourself to a visit to The Journey Homesteading Forum.

Have a Sassy Good Time!

Cast Iron Care Recipe ~ Rusty or Not

Just a few days ago, I had a sweet and beautiful young lady ask me how I take care of my cast iron skillets.

My largest skillet was a rescue!  It was covered in rust!  But it was a diamond in the rough, it turned out to be my favorite.

My first job was to clean the rust away:

Use 2 – 4 tablespoons of salt and an equal amount of oil in the skillet.  Using paper towelling, scrub the rusted areas.  Add more salt and/or oil as needed until the rust has been removed.

This worked for most of the spots but there were a few where I had to use fine steel wool to lightly rub (you may need to use sandpaper if your cast iron is pitted.)

The next step is to wash with soap and water.  Dry thoroughly, then place on a stove burner and heat the pan.  (Do not leave long, you just want the skillet to get hot enough to dry any damp spots.)

Season your skillet or pan:

Coconut Oil or Lard will give your cast iron the best protection.  You may use other oils but you will maintain a better seasoned pan. 

Rub the cast iron with just enough oil or lard to coat the pan.

Place in a 250ºF oven for an hour.

Coat again, place in the oven for another hour. 

Turn the oven off.  Often, I leave the skillet in the oven until cold or overnight.

After using your cast iron:

Do not use soap and water on your cast iron after the initial cleaning.

Clean using the salt and oil method mentioned above.

Rinse with hot water.  Dry thoroughly, then place on a stove burner and heat the pan.  (Do not leave long, you just want the skillet to get hot enough to dry any damp spots.)

Repeat:

Occasionally, you may want or need to re-season.  Oil the pan and place in the oven at 250ºF for an hour.

Simon’s Hot Dogs

Simon Says

you should try the best gourmet and vegetarian hotdogs

He highly recommends the Columbian,

 topped with pineapple, Mozzarella cheese and crushed potato chips

Hola Amigo

 

But he is not the only person to recommend his delicious Hot Dogs. 

Simon’s Hot Dogs was featured in the magazine Arizona Highways as one of the

TOP 25 PLACES TO EAT IN ARIZONA

please note ~ to my knowledge, Simon’s Hot Dogs is not Street Food

but they deserve a thumbs up for their new status

Simon’s Hot Dog Trip Advisor (click here)

Simon’s Hot Dogs

Owner:  Andres

Location:  2050 Yavapai Drive, Sedona, Arizona, U.S.A.

Specialties:  Gourmet Beef and Vegetarian Hot Dogs

Phone: (928) 496-0266

Website: http://www.simon-hot-dogs.com

Twitter Name:

Face Book Name: 

Normal Hours of Operation:  

     Tue – Thurs: 4PM – 9PM

     Fri – Sun:         Noon – 9PM

Do you cater?  YES

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